I got really really sick of going to funerals after so many happened at once.
It’s weird at these things.
It always is.You’ve got everyone called, you’re going to get the insertions done. The sandwiches, biscuits and milk are on their way, house is cleaned, and the funeral directors are just about to return your loved one.
You hope for the best.
You forget how weird these things actually are.
Everyone is up to high-dough. If you take a step back and actually watch whats going on, you realise that it gets really fucking intense.
It’s like people split into factions. Bastards you’d thought you’d never see together in your life starting wee splinter groups near the coffee and biscuits.
And before you get all shirty, this isn’t every single person at the wake, but just a couple of my favourites.
In Group A there’s the ones who think that a wee gin in a tin would ruin a wake, and god forbid there’s ever any of that Dirty Humour.
They’re the ones who generally roll their eyes and take a deep breath when anyone dares enter a room while they’re midway through a sentence in a conversation that nobody asked for.
They have a way of always being bloody right.
They're the kind of people who, if you have in any way offended them, or upset their morals, will deliberately wait until you’ve got a whole mouthful of egg and onion sandwich in you before asking you a question.
Generally it’s usually while you are hovering over the open coffin, just after someone has said about how good the corpse’s makeup looks.
And suddenly you get slapped with, "And what do you do?" Or worse, "Who do you know here?"
The kind of iron tight question that leaves you with no choice but to answer.
So as you go to, what happens is, a missile formed by the stoge of the egg mayonnaise, combined with pan loaf, and scallion, rockets out of your gub at an incredible speed, through no fault of your own.
The first thing you’ve eaten in three days is sprayed all over the Deceased. So it is.
These people are genuine masterful geniuses at what they do, and you shit yourself thinking about what they would accomplish if they ever ran the state.