This is an Excerpt for a radio production written as a modernised interpretation of Dante's Inferno.
Dante's character has been replaced by B, a young woman who is undergoing a mental health crisis, and is being guided through the Seven Levels of Hell by the psychopomp Charlton Woods.
B has just arrived in the Ninth Circle Treachery and Betrayal.
A door creaks open.
B: Is everything in this place aparodies cliche? You’d think there’d be some thee-in-one oil somewhere among the fractalized multi-verses.
Dillon: Ahh. You’re here good.
Cain: What time is it Mr Dillion?
Dillon: Three minutes to...OH! Dinner time Mr Cain. I just got that. Sorry.
B: Cain? The Cain?
Dillion: Don’t be so Ableist.
Cain: Yeah, more than one person is allowed to have the same name.
B: So you didn’t kill your brother?
Cain: Well, I wouldn’t go that far…
Dillon: Yeah! It’s complicated. Don’t worry buddy, I’ve got your back.
Cain: Thanks man. Appreciate it.
We hear the sound of a high five.
B: Sigh. Well, nice to meet you I suppose. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to stand trial. If you could just…
Dillon: That’s with us.
B: You two are lawyers?
Cain: Well, we’ve certainly been held in contempt!
Dillon: HA! Too good man, you’re too good…
B: Can we, I dunno start or something? Why can’t I see you properly? It’s like you’re both made out of…
Cain: Steam?
Dillon: Smoke?
B: Yeah, hot air.
Dillon: Well, I suppose we have a little time before the session. We could catch you up a little. Better the devils you know eh Mr Cain?
Cain: Absolutely right Mr Dillon. You see Miss…
B: Ms...B...
Cain: Sigh. Mizzzzz B. While we are here, we aren’t totally here if you catch my..Heh...Drift.
Dillon: Yeah. We’re so badass that they decided to bring us here early. They pulled our souls out, but our bodies are still up there. Boom!
Cain: Yeah! Demons!
B: And you two are proud of that? That there’s some horrible negligent underworld succubus pulling all of your strings?
Cain: We should be so lucky!
Dillon: Yeah, we’re both in comas. Only strings we’ll get pulled are by the nurses.
Cain: Sponge Blarbs!
B: Excuse me?
Dillon: He meant baths. We’re still tethered to our bodies. So sometimes the worlds gold waffle fu-ornnshh. Glarp-en-hue?
Cain: Fssggghhhhsdskkkkkk...Cack!
B: Fantastic, I’m being brought to trial by two idiots with poor signal strength...
Cain: It’s only sometimes!
Dillon: Besides, it’s a fair trade off to be part demon!
They high five.
B: So what did you do to end up here?
Dillon: We’re not the ones on trial here!
Cain: Actually, neither is she, just yet.
Dillon: Sustained.
B: Ugnn. Sigh. How come you guys were so badass that they let you come down early?
Dillon: That’s more like it. We already told you that Cain killed his brother.
Cain: And my nephew. Can’t forget him.
Dillon: We never do! So I needed some help. There were a load of bastards after me.
Cain: He’s not being clever there. They literally were bastards.
Dillon: Yeah...Never really liked condoms you know? Always said I’d wear one and just didn’t. Anyway. Met my wife, who is a total bitch.
Cain: Total. Bitch.
Dillon: And her father hated me for some reason. So I needed some help in thinning out the ranks. And I called Cain here…
Cain: Hello!
Dillon: And he helped me, you know take care of them.
Cain: Like “Strangers on a Train.”
B: I don’t think...I don’t... You don’t know what that movie is about do you?...Sigh. Fuck, so I’m to be tried and represented by a couple of serial killing bros, who can’t speak properly, this is all just wrong!
Dillion: Thap’s harbly flab!
Cain: Rdgdgdrdgdgdgdgdgdgdggggdddddddddddddggggddddd
Dillon: Cain here just wanted to kill his wife. How did he know that his brother would eat from the plate instead?
Cain: Yeah! And his son would eat from the exact same plate. It was a two-fer! I just wanted a one-fer!
Dillon: And besides I didn’t want to kill all my children. Just my wife, and her father, and the kids I knew that could handle it. Besides they were all over eighteen. What would happen if I met them in a bar and they didn’t know I was me and we go back to my place and-
B: ENOUGH! Start the friggin’ trial already. I am so over you two.
Cain: Uh-oh, sounds like someone’s on-
B: I SAID ENOUGH!
Dillon: Maybe we should…
Cain: Yeah.